A Slippery Slope

I'm being sombre, I know. I'll snap out of it. I will. I just feel that I'm flushing it out of my system by sharing it with you guys. I know that the relationship between xMM and I was never going to be a hopelessly romantic, classic love story, as the small detail of significant others was never going to disappear. Nor, at this point, did I want it to; like I said, it was meant to be a bit of fun - no strings attached. (FOOLS!) And, for the first few months, it was.

Our meetings went from monthly to bi-monthly and quickly to whenever we could grab time. Even meeting at 6:30 in the morning before I had to go to work (he worked from home so would wait until his wife had left). We were desperate for more and more and it became an obsession for us both. Not a single hour would pass by without contact (except when we were sleeping), sharing 20 - 30 emails and texts per day. How the hell did we fit that in? Now I struggle to reply to 3 work emails per day! Priorities were readjusted. Our affair came first.

I wonder how long an affair is sustainable whilst feelings are kept out of it and both partners are equal (in relationship terms, that is). I'd love to know. Not that it would make any difference, as for me the affair life becomes so stressful. I can't detach my emotions and I should have seen that coming.

To be fair, though, I wasn't the only one. Like Keanu Reeves's bus in Speed, knowing we we headed for major catastrophe, we kept going. The difference is, we had the benefit of choice. We just didn't make the right one!

The Moment

I can't remember feeling guilty at the time. That sounds awful, doesn't it? Like I have no conscience at all. I'm never normally that reckless, but as i said before, senses fly out of the window.

I was running late, which made me even more incredibly nervous; I'm sure my body temperature had upped a few degrees and you would have actually been able to see my skin pulsating with my heartbeat. When I arrived he came down to meet me. In the dark he took my breath away. Literally. I had to remind myself to breathe. We kissed. I think it was supposed to be just a greeting kiss at first; this was our first physical encounter after all, but his lips lingered on mine and I could taste the heat of his breath. I was hooked.

The night felt so... natural. We fell into one another, so utterly lost but yet found at the same time. Everything about him fascinated me. It wasn't just sexual, the emotional and intellectual connections were also ridiculously powerful for so early on. The night seemed so short and in the morning we looked at one another, our eyes pleading for more.

How incredibly dangerous.

Meg

'It just happened!'

Can that ever be true? Are we, as human beings, incapable of controlling our own behaviour? I know that many affairs start with the OW (or man - don't wish to be sexist!) oblivious to the fact that the wonderfully exciting new man in her life is married. But, To my shame, I was fully aware. He was honest with me from the very start. About that particular issue anyway (there were yet more truths to be revealed). Besides, at that point, I had a boyfriend... ok, fiancé, and we both thought 'It's just a bit of fun. Harmless flirting.' However, if we were honest with ourselves, it was more. As he said to me once, 'The spark was always there, from the very first word.' So, why didn't we walk away? Why didn't we look more closely at what we had to lose and admit that it just wasn't worth it? Rationality and responsibilty seems, for some, to fly out the window during an affair; it launches itself so fast and suddenly that it smashes everything in its path on its way.

I'll never forget the sentence that nudged us both over the line. We had only had email contact at this point, meeting on one of those social sites. Our emails had been provocative and very flirty; we were both skirting around the issue of actually taking it further, although any fool spying on our messages would have been able to see where it was heading, with quite some speed. Then, his line: 'I don't want to fuck up your life, or hurt your boyfriend, or fuck up mine or hurt my wife, but I want you...' I don't even remember my response, but I guess it's clear from my standpoint today that it wasn't, 'Don't be crazy, man! We should never go there!' My God, things would be very different if it had been!

Two weeks later we were embroiled in a hotel room...


Meg

The Fatal Flaw

The pain is immense. It feels like the greatest weight is pressing down on you, and it is... in a way, the weight of an unhealthy relationship. It drowns you with intense emotions and, when it's not you in the driving seat, a feeling of helplessness overcomes you and, actually, you give into it.

He told me that he loved me - that I was his number one. He told me that it was only a matter of time; if it's what he wants then that's a given, right? He'll do everything he can for what he 'truly wants'? I gave him me as I believed him. And I waited. I didn't press him for quicker or more action. I waited.

You know what's coming; it's the age-old story: woman meets charming man, he woos her, she falls for him, deeply and him for her... they get on perfectly. And the sex... well, that's something else, impossible to contain or describe in just a few words. It all seems so full of promise. But... here it is... he's married.